‘Not Tonight, Dear’

Are you and your mate too busy, too tired, too uninspired?

In your early years, the two of you sizzled sexually—but lately, catching up on sleep seems to be a higher priority than
making love. What’s going on?

Besides the fact that libido, or natural sex drive, varies quite a lot from person to person, there are many other factors that affect desire in a long-term relationship, say psychiatrist Susan Wiley, M.D., and gynecologist Patrice Weiss, M.D., of Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network:

Stress—Overwork, money worries, family issues—all can interfere with sexual enjoyment. “It compounds the issue if sex is a stress-reliever for one partner but not the other,” Weiss says.

Children—The hormone changes of pregnancy and nursing can affect a woman’s desire. And midnight feedings, a fussy toddler and the constant presence of children “can really put a damper on sexual spontaneity,” Wiley says.

Medical issues—Thyroid disease, diabetes, sleep disorders, hypertension and any pain-related problem can lower libido. So can many medications, including antidepressants and blood pressure drugs (see right).

Alcohol—“It might help you relax briefly, but basically it makes you fall asleep,” Wiley says.

Emotions—“Studies show that if you have low general happiness or emotional satisfaction, chances are you’ll have low sexual desire—it’s all intertwined,” Weiss says. Sexual disinterest can be a clue to depression in both men and women.

Relationship—Monotony can become a challenge for couples who’ve been together awhile and only talk about routine matters. “It used to be about glamorous restaurants for them,” Weiss says, “Now it’s about unloading the dishwasher.”

So the bloom is off the rose…so what? “A good sex life isn’t necessary for every couple, but it is a normal part of healthy, intimate relationships,” Wiley says. “It brings you closer, defuses aggression, provides pleasure and isn’t fattening!” To improve your love life:

Talk to your partner. “I read that the average married couple spends less than 5 minutes a day in intimate conversation,” Wiley says. It can be hard to open up, but sharing your likes, dislikes and unmet needs—sexual and nonsexual—is vital. A counselor can help.

Listen, too. “There’s no aphrodisiac more potent than the feeling of being understood,” Wiley says.

Talk to your doctor to rule out a medical problem or get it treated. “This isn’t a ‘by the way’ as you walk out the office door,” Weiss says. “Make a separate appointment; your sexual health matters.” 

Watch your lifestyle. Exercise, eating well and not smoking improve energy, sexual attractiveness and self-esteem.

Want to Know More about the impact of aging on sexuality? Call 610-402-CARE or click on the links to the right.

ARTICLE TOOLS: